I Wish He Knew

My kids left yesterday (Wednesday) at 5:00pm to go to their other home with their Dad.

They won't be back with me until 9:00am Tuesday morning. That seems like forever at this point, though I know it's not.

Usually Wednesday evenings are date nights for me and my husband, but I didn't feel like going out.

I'm trying to get it together so that we can go out tonight instead.

But ... something is bothering me.

It's the same thing that bothers me from time to time, over the years. It's the thing that I feel helpless to do anything about. It's the train wreck that shows itself to me through my children's actions and words about their lives at Dad's.

It's what I wish "He" knew...

"He" ... being my ex-husband. Father of my children. The man I was with and married too for almost 10 years. The man who abandoned our oldest daughter. It's the man I haven't spoken a verbal word too in over 3 years. It's the man that I have forgiven now... the man I actually feel sorry for...

For what I wish he knew...

And what I wish he knew... Is all the things I know.

Things like how my children feel about him and their stepmother. Things like how they would live with me in a heartbeat if I lived in "Dad's" neighborhood.

Things like...

How I stick up for him when my children complain about him.

How my sacrifice to actually stay put, living in the same neighborhood we all peacefully lived in once, has actually bought him more time with his own kids, because they're forced to live in both homes. And hopefully the children will mature enough (past their Father even) to come to terms with the unfairness of their situation to understand that Dad must have done the best he could at the time with what he had.

I wish he knew things like...

How I gently push my children towards accepting him to try and maintain a relationship with him, for after all... he is their Father.

I wish he knew how they feel the need to smuggle "their own personal possession's" between "their" homes.


I wish he knew how our son will not share his drawings and comic series with them because his step mom will comment that he should be studying instead of drawing.

I wish he knew how annoyed our children are that their step mom still insists on marking their underwear and bras with their initials in permanent black marker.

I wish he knew how sadly guarded our children have become when expressing themselves in his home.

I wish he knew the psychological games our children have had to master in order to cope in his home.

I wish he knew that the counselor I used to take the children too said that the one and only person who actually needs the counseling is their Father, not the children.

I wish he knew how our kids hope and pray that their Dad will pick them up from me instead of their step mom, because she will complain, harass and badger them all the 23 miles to their other home.

I wish he knew how upsetting it is for our children when their step mom talks bad about me or their older sister in front of them.

I wish he knew how many times our 15 year old daughter has called me crying from his house.

I wish he knew how often I've pleaded with the kids to communicate their feelings to their Dad.

There are truly a hundred things I wish he knew, but most of all...

I wish he knew that these kids don't plan on having a relationship with him when they actually have a choice about it.

I wish I could stop what is in the works, but I know that I can't.

I couldn't stop it between he and I.

I couldn't stop it between he and our oldest daughter.

I wish I could fix it.

I wish he knew that our youngest daughter just called me from his house this very second, said a couple of things about what she was doing today, and then whispered quickly "Dad's coming... I gotta go... love you... miss you already... bye" ... as if she's not "allowed" to be speaking to her Mother while at that house.

I wish he knew...