Jealousy & Envy

In my first marriage, I can remember feeling jealous and envious of friends and family more times than I’d care to count.

The reasons were always ridiculous and immature.


“They have more money than me.”

“Their house is nicer than mine.”

“She’s thinner than me.”

“Their kids are better dressed than mine.”

Blah… blah… blah…

What a waste of time and energy. Looking back now, I realize how unhappy I was. I was in this very unsatisfying marriage for years. It drained the life right out of me. I became petty. I could gossip for hours. I felt lonely and angry.

Ugggghhhhh. I cringe at the thought of that person I once was.


But when I married my second husband, my true identity came out and something within me really started to shine. I could honestly feel a physical/emotional change from the moment I fell in love with him. I laughed much more. Rarely found reason to raise my voice in anger. Gossip became something I had no time or desire to engage in.

I truly started appreciating the gifts in my life.
I became a better Mother, a better Sister, a better Daughter and a better friend. I can’t tell you how many times friends and family have literally said “I can tell you’re so happy” to me. I changed almost instantly and it was a fabulous difference from the woman I had been before.

I have not felt jealous or envious of anyone or anything in years. And I know it has to do with my husband.

I wouldn’t trade my happiness with him for anything.

Not for more money

Not for a nicer house

Not for a thinner body

Not even for better dressed kids ;)

His friendship and love allowed me to be the person that was always jealously and enviously waiting to live her life.

I Wish He Knew

My kids left yesterday (Wednesday) at 5:00pm to go to their other home with their Dad.

They won't be back with me until 9:00am Tuesday morning. That seems like forever at this point, though I know it's not.

Usually Wednesday evenings are date nights for me and my husband, but I didn't feel like going out.

I'm trying to get it together so that we can go out tonight instead.

But ... something is bothering me.

It's the same thing that bothers me from time to time, over the years. It's the thing that I feel helpless to do anything about. It's the train wreck that shows itself to me through my children's actions and words about their lives at Dad's.

It's what I wish "He" knew...

"He" ... being my ex-husband. Father of my children. The man I was with and married too for almost 10 years. The man who abandoned our oldest daughter. It's the man I haven't spoken a verbal word too in over 3 years. It's the man that I have forgiven now... the man I actually feel sorry for...

For what I wish he knew...

And what I wish he knew... Is all the things I know.

Things like how my children feel about him and their stepmother. Things like how they would live with me in a heartbeat if I lived in "Dad's" neighborhood.

Things like...

How I stick up for him when my children complain about him.

How my sacrifice to actually stay put, living in the same neighborhood we all peacefully lived in once, has actually bought him more time with his own kids, because they're forced to live in both homes. And hopefully the children will mature enough (past their Father even) to come to terms with the unfairness of their situation to understand that Dad must have done the best he could at the time with what he had.

I wish he knew things like...

How I gently push my children towards accepting him to try and maintain a relationship with him, for after all... he is their Father.

I wish he knew how they feel the need to smuggle "their own personal possession's" between "their" homes.


I wish he knew how our son will not share his drawings and comic series with them because his step mom will comment that he should be studying instead of drawing.

I wish he knew how annoyed our children are that their step mom still insists on marking their underwear and bras with their initials in permanent black marker.

I wish he knew how sadly guarded our children have become when expressing themselves in his home.

I wish he knew the psychological games our children have had to master in order to cope in his home.

I wish he knew that the counselor I used to take the children too said that the one and only person who actually needs the counseling is their Father, not the children.

I wish he knew how our kids hope and pray that their Dad will pick them up from me instead of their step mom, because she will complain, harass and badger them all the 23 miles to their other home.

I wish he knew how upsetting it is for our children when their step mom talks bad about me or their older sister in front of them.

I wish he knew how many times our 15 year old daughter has called me crying from his house.

I wish he knew how often I've pleaded with the kids to communicate their feelings to their Dad.

There are truly a hundred things I wish he knew, but most of all...

I wish he knew that these kids don't plan on having a relationship with him when they actually have a choice about it.

I wish I could stop what is in the works, but I know that I can't.

I couldn't stop it between he and I.

I couldn't stop it between he and our oldest daughter.

I wish I could fix it.

I wish he knew that our youngest daughter just called me from his house this very second, said a couple of things about what she was doing today, and then whispered quickly "Dad's coming... I gotta go... love you... miss you already... bye" ... as if she's not "allowed" to be speaking to her Mother while at that house.

I wish he knew...

The answer of avoidance

My 12 year old son's stepmother had him cornered not that long ago while she attempted to get him to answer a question about me with a response that suited her agenda of making me look bad.

Side note:
My ex-husband and his wife continually sign the kids that I share joint physical custody with up for nonstop sports all year long without any consent or input from me nor any regard for what I or the kids may want to do when they are with me. Sometimes I am unable to comply with their plans for my week with the kids. Most of the time, I go ahead with it for the sake and peace of my kids but God forgive me when I make wholesome family plans during my children's time with me that doesn't include the animosity and negativity of my ex-husband and his overbearing wife packed into hot gyms and cold ice rinks.

So the conversation went something like this:

STEPMOM: "So... what do you think about your Mother not letting you go to hockey this weekend?"

Side note:
We were taking the kids to an indoor water park resort for a weekend getaway in the dead of winter... I know... "terrible parents".

My 12 year old son stood there trying not to answer the question because his answer would NOT be what his step mom was hoping to hear. He was excited about the water park, but couldn't tell her the truth because that would make her mad. He wasn't going to lie. So instead of answering her question, and with the intent of changing the subject, he looked at her and said...

"Are you trying to grow a mustache?"

The story looses something as it's told in writing as opposed to my son (oblivious to the hilarity of his comment) innocently telling my family about it. He was not trying to be mean. He does not know why we find it so funny. He answered her question with a question of his own to deflect the attention away from the current uncomfortable inquest from her.

Any time someone in our family (parents, kids, sister, aunts, uncles... even friends) asks an uncomfortable question or if we simply don't know how to answer one another, or want an easy chuckle... we answer with "Are you trying to grow a mustache?"

It has become our choice answer of avoidance. And it makes us laugh every time one of us utters it.

Am I the only one?

I have seen hundreds of blogs written by stepmother's about their awful dealings with a bio mom and I sincerely feel for those step moms. But I have yet to see a blog where the tables are turned where the bio Mom is trying to make the shared custody situation work and the step mom is making it DIFFICULT!

I am the Mom and have to deal with a horrific step mom to my children. I share custody of my kids with my ex-husband. It's nearly 50/50. I have always been very involved with my children, yet this 2ND wife came along and felt the need to insert herself as my children's mother. She's been competing with me (by herself) for about 5 years now. I will not compete. I don't need to compete. I'm just living my life as a wife, daughter, sister, grandmother, and mother.

I was all for having my ex-husbands new wife as a friend. A companion that I would share stories about the children with. An addition to the bleachers as we watched the children compete in sports, concerts and plays together.... NOT TO BE!

From day 1, this new woman in ex-hubby's life deemed my friendship with ex-hubby, ex-in-laws, ex-brother in-laws, ex-sister in-laws INAPPROPRIATE! WHAT??? Lines were drawn in the sand. It was the beginning of the end for any hope of my children's childhood remaining peaceful. And her venom has affected almost every single member of my ex's family as some struggle to maintain their strong bonds and friendships with me. Those who have chosen to remain friends with me are not spoken too any longer by ex and his wife. (This includes 2 brothers and their wives and cousin here and there)

My oldest daughter has not spoken to her father in over 2 years. She has lost her paternal grandparents and her place in her father's side of the family. It was just easier for her, by her own decision as an adult to just drop out of the hatred and the pressure to "choose" a parent. I never made her choose. Stepmom made her choose. And so Daughter did. Who couldn't see that one coming??

Can I possibly be the only Mom who has to deal with this?