The answer of avoidance

My 12 year old son's stepmother had him cornered not that long ago while she attempted to get him to answer a question about me with a response that suited her agenda of making me look bad.

Side note:
My ex-husband and his wife continually sign the kids that I share joint physical custody with up for nonstop sports all year long without any consent or input from me nor any regard for what I or the kids may want to do when they are with me. Sometimes I am unable to comply with their plans for my week with the kids. Most of the time, I go ahead with it for the sake and peace of my kids but God forgive me when I make wholesome family plans during my children's time with me that doesn't include the animosity and negativity of my ex-husband and his overbearing wife packed into hot gyms and cold ice rinks.

So the conversation went something like this:

STEPMOM: "So... what do you think about your Mother not letting you go to hockey this weekend?"

Side note:
We were taking the kids to an indoor water park resort for a weekend getaway in the dead of winter... I know... "terrible parents".

My 12 year old son stood there trying not to answer the question because his answer would NOT be what his step mom was hoping to hear. He was excited about the water park, but couldn't tell her the truth because that would make her mad. He wasn't going to lie. So instead of answering her question, and with the intent of changing the subject, he looked at her and said...

"Are you trying to grow a mustache?"

The story looses something as it's told in writing as opposed to my son (oblivious to the hilarity of his comment) innocently telling my family about it. He was not trying to be mean. He does not know why we find it so funny. He answered her question with a question of his own to deflect the attention away from the current uncomfortable inquest from her.

Any time someone in our family (parents, kids, sister, aunts, uncles... even friends) asks an uncomfortable question or if we simply don't know how to answer one another, or want an easy chuckle... we answer with "Are you trying to grow a mustache?"

It has become our choice answer of avoidance. And it makes us laugh every time one of us utters it.

Today I am torn

I am always torn between my two distinct lives every other Wednesday. As my children go to their Dad's tonight, I segue from being a full time Mother this last week to a married couple without kids this upcoming week. Every other Wednesday is simply bittersweet for me.

This week, I will miss my kids not being here. I will miss meals with them. I will miss the sound of their laughter (and even the sound of their bickering). I will miss their week here that is focused on family togetherness, chock full of the things we have come to enjoy as a family, like movie nights, bonfires, trips to the park, baseball games, basketball in the driveway, poker on the back deck with the CD player playing our favorite music or playing a slew of board games.

It's all about my kids when they are with us. We do what they want to do. They know this. And they have grown to cherish this.

This week I will reconnect with my Husband. We have the opportunity to do just what he and I want to do. With such a terrific friendship that is our foundation, we both look forward to whatever exciting adventure we want to embark on during our "childless" weekends like checking into a romantic hotel with a jacuzzi AND a fireplace, going antiquing, (YES, he enjoys that.... I know... "lucky girl"!), meeting friends for dinner and drinks, staying in our sweats all weekend to watch movies and eat carry out, or working on home improvement projects.

It's all about my marriage when my Husband and I are alone. We do what we want to do. We know this. And we have grown to cherish this.

I miss my children when they are not here and yet I enjoy the intimacy and reconnection their absence allows my Husband and I. In our situation, life consists of the perfect balance. We are lucky. (We know this. And we have grown to cherish this).

She sends her evil comments through my kids

I haven't had anything but recent eye contact with my children's Step mom for years now. No emails. No phone calls. No chit chats.... ZIP ... NADA... NOTHING! That's not the problem. She sends her evil nonsense to and through my kids.

Step mom won't use my name. She calls me things like... "the birth mother", "she who shall not be named", "YOUR EX-WIFE!!" and believe it or not... has referred to me as "SATAN"... etc...

Step mom solicits money from me through me children with comments such as, "We can't afford for you to text your Mother, because we're still in debt from the last time she took us to court", "If you're mom's taking you to registration, she's gonna need about $100.00", "We're not buying your yearbook, get your Mom to", "We're not buying your homecoming dress, get your Mom to", "We can barely afford food in this house from the last time your Mother took us to court" etc...

Side note:
I took "them" to court because they moved 23 miles away from me (without telling me) and TOLD me they were enrolling the two youngest kids in the school near them. WHAT??!!! No you're not! I am the stay at home Mom who takes these kids to school, who picks these kids up from school, who knows every teacher, secretary, janitor and principal in their school because I've been THAT involved since they were in pre-school. (By the way... I won the lawsuit. When you have Joint shared custody of kids, one parent cannot unilaterally try to change school districts without the other parents consent, BETTER YET KNOWLEDGE.... DUH!) "They're debt has absolutely nothing to do with me and definitely NOTHING to do with the children.

Her comments serve to alienate me and make me look bad to my children. But since they are 14 and 12, that is simply not going to happen. What she has managed to do is make my children dislike and distrust her and more importantly, wonder why their Father can't/won't save them from stepmom's hatred of a Mother that they love dearly and want to protect.

Am I the only one?

I have seen hundreds of blogs written by stepmother's about their awful dealings with a bio mom and I sincerely feel for those step moms. But I have yet to see a blog where the tables are turned where the bio Mom is trying to make the shared custody situation work and the step mom is making it DIFFICULT!

I am the Mom and have to deal with a horrific step mom to my children. I share custody of my kids with my ex-husband. It's nearly 50/50. I have always been very involved with my children, yet this 2ND wife came along and felt the need to insert herself as my children's mother. She's been competing with me (by herself) for about 5 years now. I will not compete. I don't need to compete. I'm just living my life as a wife, daughter, sister, grandmother, and mother.

I was all for having my ex-husbands new wife as a friend. A companion that I would share stories about the children with. An addition to the bleachers as we watched the children compete in sports, concerts and plays together.... NOT TO BE!

From day 1, this new woman in ex-hubby's life deemed my friendship with ex-hubby, ex-in-laws, ex-brother in-laws, ex-sister in-laws INAPPROPRIATE! WHAT??? Lines were drawn in the sand. It was the beginning of the end for any hope of my children's childhood remaining peaceful. And her venom has affected almost every single member of my ex's family as some struggle to maintain their strong bonds and friendships with me. Those who have chosen to remain friends with me are not spoken too any longer by ex and his wife. (This includes 2 brothers and their wives and cousin here and there)

My oldest daughter has not spoken to her father in over 2 years. She has lost her paternal grandparents and her place in her father's side of the family. It was just easier for her, by her own decision as an adult to just drop out of the hatred and the pressure to "choose" a parent. I never made her choose. Stepmom made her choose. And so Daughter did. Who couldn't see that one coming??

Can I possibly be the only Mom who has to deal with this?